Like most some people, I am fascinated by fecal matter. Not so much in the “2 girls 1 cup” sort of way. But more in the “Oh god I just shit my pants” or “You gotta come see the size of this one!” sort of way. I tend to find people pooping their pants to be hilarious. There are so many things to factor into a good pooped pants scenario. I also love a good poop gone wrong story. Which is why I started this post. These are both old stories but at family reunions and other sordid gatherings these have become oft recounted fan favorites. So buckle up we’re going to hop in the way back machine’s restroom and go for a movement.
Hover, don’t sit:
Back in the early part of this century my wife decided we needed to hook up my best friend with a co-worker of hers after he had a nasty break up. And we all know how well rebounds work out… So we decided on a double date. Movie time at the mall followed by dinner at Ruby Tuesdays and a little bit of shopping at Big K. I believe we went to see Pearl Harbor, I can’t rightly remember. It doesn’t matter anyways because the fun stuff started at dinner. My man, we’ll call him “CB” is a pretty quiet guy. Soft spoken but can have some serious funny out of the blue moments. He was on his game this night. We sit down place our drink orders and the ice was broken. Chit chat was going good but I had noticed that CB had eyes for our waitress. I couldn’t blame him she was stunning with a very friendly perky I want all our tip money attitude. So shes taking our order and she gets to CB. “I’ll have the ribs” Makes a point of making eye contact “The FULL rack” the waitress not missing a beat “That’s a lot of meat.” CB not wasting any time here. “I know, thanks” I’m pretty sure at this point I was doing a great impression of a chameleon. By that I mean I was holding in laughter so hard that my face must have changed like 8 different shades and hues of red, purple, and blue. She leaves and later a different server brings out our food. We both drank the same draft beer and had the ribs for dinner, I’m not sure but that might be important because what happened later. The rest of dinner was uneventful. My wife failed her matchmaking test I can tell you that much. These two did not hit it off at all. That could have something to do with the fact she looked like a female version of Hunk from The Goonies. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not one of “The Beautiful People” but she didn’t have a personality to fall back on. She kept dropping names of people she either currently hung out with or had in the past like we were supposed to know who these people from an hour downstate were supposed to be. It was painful. So with dinner concluded we headed to Big K. For those of you unfamiliar Big K was K-Marts low budget version of a Walmart. So CB and I are in there walking around the sporting goods section talking about the girls and the girls were walking around the bra’s or whatever girls look at together I’m sure talking about us. Thats when the bubbly guts started. I felt the rumble in my tummy that I knew could only be one thing. Motherfucking explosive diarrhea! And it came on just like that. FUCK NO! OH NOES! I GOTTA GO! It must have been evident by the scared look in my eyes and the frantic movements of my head as I scanned outer walls for the holiest of holy signs. I started to panic wondering aloud “Where or my fuck where are the restrooms!?!” That’s when I realized a sweating CB was standing next to me with a hand on his stomach looking around just as panicked as I was. We looked deep into each others eyes and knew at that moment, if there was only one stall one of use was going to be buying the other new pants in just a few minutes. That’s when I spotted it. I’ve never been stuck in the desert nearly dehydrated and stumbled into a oasis, but I imagine that’s how it must feel. We both started doing that awkward short step walk run thing you do when you know if you take long strides or have too much bounce in your step you’re going to redecorate your underwear. We managed to both get into the bathroom and thanks be to the almighty spaghetti monster there were 2 stalls. So I run in, lock my stall door, and immediately go to work laying down the old toilet paper ass gasket so I can do the doo. That’s when CB pipes up over the sound of him losing a fight with his belt buckle. Through a few grunts during the struggle he managed to ask me “What the hell are you doing?” I was like “Laying down TP so I can go man.” after a pause I hear his belt and whatnot hot the floor followed by “That’s gross, you don’t sit bro, you hover.” I settled down onto my 2 ply past ass barrier and that’s when it the shit hit the fan, so to speak. The sounds coming from the stall next to me shocked and horrified me. Its almost beyond explanation. Before the cacophony of splatters, drips and well to be blunt very wet farts could fully be processed. CB quietly says “Oh, no” Those two simple words were oh so ominous. The following litany of shocked cursing followed by an outbreak of nervous laughter almost made me drop an “O” ring, if you know what I mean. CB “Dude, I shit everywhere, like, all over.” So of course I repeat this statement back to him in the form of a question. To which he answers yes and I immediately start laughing, hard. Which causes my bowls to kind of well explode. With every belly laugh I literally shit harder into the toilet. The sounds and smells were something akin to a slaughterhouse. It was bad. At one point, crying, I couldn’t even hold myself upright anymore I was leaning against the stall wall just crying and laughing and shitting explosively. After a few minutes I gather myself and proceeded to use a rain forests worth of TP to mop’n’sop. Finally able to stand I dried my eyes, flushed, and stepped out to wash my hands, from the elbows down. Standing in front of the open stall door next to me. CB eyes unblinking slowly lifts his shaking finger to point back into his stall. If you have ever seen the movie Trainspotting? You might have some idea of what it looked like in there. There was shit splatter up both sides of the stall, the back of the stall, and oh my sweet baby Jebus the seat. The poor poor seat. There had to be a gallon of liquid shit sprayed on the seat and the back of the toilet just running down all over and puddling around the base of the bowl. I couldn’t even process this information yet. I turned to the sink and just left CB standing there pointing. Washed my hands and walked out. He comes charging out because he was afraid I was going to tell the girls what had just happened. I assured him I wouldn’t speak of it, ever(I totally lied) and we got the hell out of there. We must have looked guilty the way we hustled through the store trying to locate them so we could get as far from that stall as possible just as soon as possible. In my minds eye I could see a cranky janitor running after us with a mop and bucket. Suffice it to say we got out of it alive and .
Tune in next week for part two!
bigwoodpeddler 